After a year without posting on here, I now feel the urge to expressed what I'm up to or not up to.
The last thing I have post about school was a project I wrote and directed for my capstone/thesis semester. I finished the film and received an A in the class. The film had potential but turned out shit. I was pretty depressed. Correction, really fucking depressed about how it turned out because I had some high expectations and really wanted to make something film festival worthy. It wasn't. Anything and everything that went wrong, did. From big crew disagreements/heated arguments...not by me by the way, shitty audio, a lot of post work that didn't improve the flaws by much, camera issues, crew and actor drop outs etcs. So I'm speaking to the choir...to anyone who has worked on a film, short film, amateur or experience knows that the whole process is exciting yet very challenging, stressful, and perhaps daunting at times. But if you love it you love it, and no one outside of that can understand ones need to create something from nothing. To be an alchemist, a storyteller and have a need to express oneself through such an awesome and gut-wrenching medium.
School was a good distraction from such depression during the following school year. I focused on completing most of my required classes and allowing myself to step a little more out of my comfort zone. I went to a concert by myself. A bit lonerish, but didn't care especially since I got to see one of my new favorite bands, The Internet. I did invite someone but he stood me up. :/. I volunteered at the Cleveland International Film Festival. It was nice. Met or more likely saw some filmmakers as they enter the theatres and talked to panels. Saw some indie films. I helped a classmate with her horror films. Back in October I participated in Cleveland's 1st 48 hour horror film competition as a sound recorder. It was a nice experience being in a competition. What I take from that is that I rather not be a sound recorder. I don't think I care for film competition that emphasizes speed filmmaking. I rather make something really good and not feel rush in the process. Then my classmate made her 30 min short for her independent study project and I just did some grip, pa stuff for that. It turned out pretty good. I am really proud how my classmate that she was able to accomplish her goal and to have a strong passion for filmmaking.
I fear losing passion for this because it can be a bit disheartening to want to say something, but you don't have the means, the support to create art. The industry is not for the faint of heart, I've been told in different words by professors, guest speakers etc. I doubt and question myself often if I can do this. Even try to steer myself to other avenues that still involve creativity, but lack the demands of filmmaking. I don't know.
I desire many things, to own my own production company and work with like minded individuals who are just as creative and passionate as I am. I might have ran into some but I was or am unable to see their intentions. They presented their ideas very passionately, but my caution, my fear, my lack of trust, and my lack of resources has made me not want to entertain their ambitions. I think I lack some of that ambitious, driven nature. I get it the moment something hits me, an idea, or when I have the confidence. Once I doubt, it's gone. I go back to my world where I try to focus on one thing at a time. My education at this moment. Stay safe.
I was able to attend my graduation ceremony in the spring even though I graduate this summer. I have one non film class to take, no job and ideas and unfinished project on the back burner. So this summer I need a direction, to make decisions, and not give up on a dream or I'll lose it by giving into life's mundane cycle of born, work, die. I want to travel, I want to experience , I want to feel free. The stereotypical 20 something year I guess. I want to create and leave some type of impact on the world. I don't really desire to be famous, idk if that is just fear, but I want to make something original and receive recognition for it and then go back into myself with no other eyes on me. I am a true introvert.
